Adventures on okstupid from guest blogger “Undateable”

Disclaimer from thatonegirlindenver: ****My first guest blogger is a wonderful friend of mine who is a great girl and most definitely not undateable at all! However, I believe in self-determination of peoples and when I asked her what her nickname should be on the blog, she chose Undateable….*****

So, here with a fresh and hilarious take on how to create an online dating profile (old news for hardened online daters like me), I present the blogging debut of my friend Undateable:

A few days ago, I opened a profile on okcupid.com.
It seems really weird to write so intimately about yourself and then feel strangely excited about the opportunity to present yourself in any way you wish, to reinvent yourself as someone you’ve always wanted to be, the illusion of  your best self, to this rainbow of strange men. This is not how people usually meet other people. In real life, men and women don’t walk around with a brief bio you can read before talking to deciding to talk to them. In real life, you have to be extremely lubricated with alcohol before opening up to a stranger and showing them all your photos. “Here’s me in my kitchen, and here’s me in my bathroom, and here’s me partying with my friends and you can see all of their faces too because I have no consideration for their privacy!”
I wonder how many people’s friends’ faces are on okcupid without their knowledge or consent.
There’s also this ability to constantly tailor and perfect your story. It’s strange how the more profiles you visit, the more you tend to want to update yours and make it more clever and witty, or blasé and above it all, depending on your mood at the time, or whenever you see something clever on someone else’s. The worst is when you discover an ex-flame on there so you have to scramble back to your page and check it for complete lies that they would catch you on if they happened to find you. Re-working and refining your avatar can take all bloody night.
One of the most stressful things is the visitor notification that pops up while you’re still completing your profile. This is awful! Why is this allowed? That’s like eating an under-cooked meal.
Sidebar: That question about drugs is really tricky. What if you just dabble in a bit of sour diesel in order to tolerate parties or the holidays? But if you check the box for “sometimes” or even “occasionally” you probably come off like a crack ho. Then again, if he’s not cool like that he won’t have a good time with someone like you.
Oh my god and then someone you had a thing with a year ago will spot you—someone you had to unfriend because he wouldn’t stop being vulgar and asking you to send him naughty photos of yourself—and NOW HE’S FOUND YOU.
Him: “Hiii.”
You: “Heyyyy.” (What are you doing? Why are you even replying? You don’t need this again.)
Him: “I got a new phone *** *** **** Let’s get warm.”
You: block him from your inbox.
Then suddenly there’s a text from a guy who you were friends with a few years back and then made the crazy decision to sleep with a couple times, causing him a complete freakout and subsequent public facebook venting when you told him you were seeing someone else. You haven’t talked much since then. But he has spotted your profile, and he has your number, so he has the luxury of hitting you up off of the website.
Him: “Hi. We’re a match on okcupid!! ;)”
You: “Oh really? Well, well. Howdy.”
Him: “How about that, eh?”
“And we both like sex too!”
You: “Haha!”
Be forewarned that if you have had a few drinks, you are highly susceptible to getting ensnared in weird conversations. You feel chatty, lonely, and impulsive, a dangerous and stupid combination. Maybe you become intrigued by the offer you just got to join a slightly older couple as a long-term third lover. You ask, how does that work, exactly? Or you bat back and forth with another entertaining weirdo and the conversation is enjoyable while it lasts so you make some plans to meet, but then you wake up the next morning and realize that you agreed to go out with him to a Goth night on Saturday. And you are like, “OH NOOOOO,” and start formulating your bullshit excuse to cancel.
The following night you open your account to see 11 messages. The flattery is at least ego building. You look at each message and click on each profile before answering any of them. This vastly influences the decision to reply back. Hmm, how about this lovely tall blond with the goofy smile? How about this bathroom selfie guy without a shirt? How about the French guy who looks like Jason Statham? It all depends on how they come across in their profile. It doesn’t matter if he’s beautiful, if his words indicate he is just short of mentally-challenged.
Most of the guys are as horrible at the pick-up lines as they are in real life. A sampling of INTRODUCTORY messages:
“The things I would do to you.”
“You are everything I never thought I wanted.”
“You should let me come over tonight and give you some pre-Christmas loving!”
Another bad look is when someone asks why you didn’t reply to their message only a few hours after they sent it to you.
Him: “Mind if I ask? Was it my profile? Or my pictures? The reason you didn’t reply? I’m just curious?!?”
You (after looking at his profile): “Get rid of all the selfies and that really random, unexplained picture of you looking like you’re singing a song on a stage dressed in a Jesuit monk costume, because your profile strongly suggests that you are about as sharp as a ball, so you just must not be intentionally making fun of yourself.  And it was your pictures, in fact. Here’s a rundown–Selfie one: you with the hoodie on (bad angle, makes you look trashed). Selfie two (same angle as previous): you with the hoodie off, two seconds later. Selfie three (same angle as previous): you in a big winter hat. Selfie four (same angle as previous): you with a backwards baseball cap. Selfie five (same angle as previous): you baking cookies! Selfie six (same angle as previous): you in a really dark living room. Then inexpicably: Jesuit monk.”
A different exchange.
Him: “You are rather fetching but your profile seems a bit pedestrian. If that isnt a correct statement, I would love to hear from you.”
You: “What does pedestrian mean?”
Him: No response.
Part of your profile questionnaire is a section called: “The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit.” This one guy claimed “I know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.” Ooo, how uninteresting. And then he had only one photo of his chest taken in the bathroom mirror. I don’t get the lack of face. Is he afraid he’s ugly? Or even worse, does he think he’s so beautiful that people must only like him because of his looks and so “needs” you to like him for his stellar personality first before he pulls back the curtain and allows you to gaze upon his god-like chiseled features? But all the blatant sexual innuendos and non-innuendos this stellar personality has written on his self-summary make you think he’s got a very one-dimensional mind, interested only in non-committal hooking up and admiring his chest.  I almost want to message him back just to laugh some more.
You start wondering why these men are single in the first place. The more you look at photos and profiles, the more you start to see some repeating commonalities that allow you to make some broad assumptions. Clues are to be found by the clever peruser in your hopeful suitors’ photos. For example: if he has mostly selfies posing in front of a mirror, then he is probably pitifully self-absorbed. In fact, if he has any selfies at all, especially of his bare chest, you won’t talk to him at all.
There are also a statistically significant amount of men who claim to be in bands and have at least one photo of them grimacing into a mic, usually with a guitar. Maybe there’s a correlation between musicians and romantic failure. One guy tells you he’s been on the road a lot and so he’s not looking for a serious relationship. What it sounds like he’s really saying is he likes to sleep with his fans.
Lack of spelling or writing skills infers an inferior intelligence or education. There are women out there who are fine with that, but in general, women want a smart, witty man with some drive. If he writes, “You you look good n that pic,” he comes across as a lazy, drunk Neanderthal.
It’s a tricky thing though to judge others’ personalities based on their profiles and messages. It’s hard not to judge hastily and move on without another thought, just because one thing turned you off. But with so many to pick from, why not try to find perfection? The reality is, there is no such thing, even on paper. You could always find some little flaw that justifies you throwing the baby out with the bath water. Everyone is going to have flaws, some that will really annoy you, even your true love (if you believe in that sort of thing). In real life at least you can feel a vibe, hear tone of voice, see body language, and figure out if you have sparks or chemistry or whatever while you talk/interview. Maybe someone who would have completely bored the crap out of you online is amazing in person.
Of course you can be picky though, and weed out whatever you deem is below your baseline for intelligence, lack of spelling or writing skills, being self-absorbed or a tool. Just try to take it all with a grain of salt. And realize that your profile is also being judged.
In that light, you realize the majority of guys on here are probably ok, that the ones you have just torn apart were probably the minority. Maybe you should branch out and, instead of waiting for someone to message you, browse a little more. Maybe if you initiate with a few handpicked gentlemen, you won’t be so disappointed.
Finally, you decide to take one up on a date. Numbers have been exchanged, details worked out, and then he cancels. And DOESN’T EVER CALL YOU BACK. Sigh. Back to the message board.

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