Tales from the friend zone: Part two

Here is a story about when I was the asshole and had to put a really nice guy in the friend zone. This all just happened over the past couple months, pretty soon after I “broke up with” my non-boyfriend/friend zone/worst-friend-with-benefits-ever… See previous entry for that.

So yes, after starting (well into 2014, I might add) what a friend of mine and I are calling “No Bullshit 2014!” (said with emphasis), I decided to go on the hunt for a good guy. Where shall I find him? I ask myself… The internets, of course! Actually, I did find a really good guy.

On Okcupid, after sifting through various profiles similar to the ones that my dear friend Undateable discussed, full of bathroom mirror shirtless selfies, incorrect grammar, quotes from Anchorman, etc…. I discover a guy who is my soulmate, if his profile is any indication! He describes himself using correct spelling and grammar, mentions things he is passionate about, refers to an astrological concept known as the Saturn’s return where you have epiphanies and change your life around your 28th to 30th years (something I am interested in and think I have experienced), he’s a teacher, he knows what he wants in life and in a relationship…. Shit, he is amazing! His pictures aren’t great but there are enough that I don’t suspect catfishing and I figure maybe he looks better in person. I have noticed that boys are surprisingly bad at choosing pictures for their dating profiles.

I actually message him, which I rarely do because when I message people, I usually get rejected. When people message me, they usually get rejected. I think people go for people who are too hot for them or something online? I don’t know what it is… but I get a pretty small rate of return on messages I send to dudes. However, homedude does indeed message me back and actually suggests going out. Great, I am not a big fan of endless small talk on dating sites, I find that after a certain point, it usually gets really boring or starts to involve dick pics. I might write a whole other entry on that later…

So yes, this guy not only messages me about meeting in person, but I send him my number and he calls me! Calls me! Not texts! This is truly a miracle of modern dating… In recent years, most dates I have been on have involved facebook chat, texting, or emailing, but pretty much never calling. Except for catfish, they love talking on the phone; see “Gone catfishing” for more on this. But I think most dudes do not have the balls to call a girl, or maybe most dudes that do internet dating do not have the balls to call a girl. They are probably online because they have trouble talking to girls, as evidenced by the content of most of this blog… I have actually had a lot of internet dudes text me endlessly but never actually manage to ask me out. Like, for days, stupid small talk texting with no mention ever of meeting and no actual phone call. Usually I just stop responding after a while and never hear from them again. That always makes me feel very happy that I spent time texting them for three days…. So, needless to say, after an actual phone call, I am very excited about my first date with Mr. Teacher.

We go to the Hornet, always a classic for first dates because they have pretty good food, you can get booze, and it’s generally sort of crowded but not too loud. It’s snowing. Mr. Teacher is not really better looking in person than his pictures, but he’s not ugly per se, just awkward. But nothing terrible. And the date is nice, he has a lot of things to say, he’s smart, direct, honest, we have some things in common, we both like backpacking and hiking, we both like to try new things and think about how to develop and grow as people, and we both have a passion for making a difference with kids. Someone who will finally understand why I care about things! Someone who has social skills! Someone who would want to have adventures with me! Everything about this date is amazeballs but the chemistry. It just seems a little awkward and I am not feeling very attracted to him, which I figure is no big deal, maybe it will happen. We end the date, he walks me out to my car and gives me a hug. He is a normal person… no weird shit has happened yet, hooray! Writing this is making me realize that I am really not asking that much these days in terms of my standards. I pretty much declare things a massive success if there is no major traumatic incident on the first date…

I’m not sure if he liked me but sure enough, he calls me for another date. We have another date, and another, and another. I start to learn other things about him that are great…. He has a dog, he is going to hike the Colorado Trail next summer, he has just decided to go back to school to get his Ph.D., which he is very excited about, he is willing to sing karaoke with me, even though he is horrendously bad at it… We did a duet of “Same Love” at Armida’s and brought the house down, mostly because I am a karaoke professional and because everyone loves that song. But I digress… He has a lot of great friends and is really close with them. I meet his friends along around maybe our 5th or 6th date. They love me. He actually told me that his friends all want me to be their friend even if things don’t work out with us… The more we hang out, the more I realize how perfect this guy should be for me. We start ending the evening by making out after one night, he asked me if he could kiss me. How nice… The only problem is that I still can’t seem to get attracted to him, or “get it up” for him, as the kids say these days. I start to realize that the day of friend-zoning is nigh. I don’t want to be mean to the nicest guy I have met in a while. He starts getting that look in his eyes, you know the one… and I realize I am going to have to either mind-trick myself into being attracted to him or stop leading him on.

He suggests that we “watch a movie” one day and I know that this is the exact opposite of the previous asexual “watching a movie” situation I mentioned in the last entry. I know he wants to awkwardly make out, maybe grope some boobies, you know, the usual. He comes over, we sit on the couch, and we watch Sharknado. If you do not know what this is, do yourself a favor and please watch below:

Basically, this is potentially the most ridiculous and non-romantic movie ever. But it is hilarious. During this movie, he does indeed start making awkward moves with his super cold hands and I just sort of want him to stop touching me. My attempt to mind-trick myself into being attracted to him is clearly failing. It dawns on me that I really do not want him to start making out with me. Ever again. Shit.

Because he is sort of timid and would probably ask me “Can I grab your boob?” instead of just grabbing it, because he is that nice… not much else happens during the movie but awkward cold hand-holding. We laugh a lot because, Sharknado… And then the movie ends and we start talking about stuff, like we always do, and he is talking about relationship stuff, and I just can’t take it any more. I can’t be mean to him in the long run so I have to be mean to him right now.

I clumsily break the news to him that I feel like we don’t have the right chemistry and we should just be friends, in a manner that involves a lot of jibbering about how he is such a good guy and I like him a lot as a person and other sorts of stuff that is true but I suddenly realize is a lot like the shit that no business time friend zone companion guy was saying to me. Now I’m the asshole, dammit! He looks so sad and I just keep talking until I eventually get a hold of myself. I tell him that it’s up to him if he wants to be friends or not, and I really do want to be his friend, but I tell him it’s only if he wants to, and other various things as I continue talking in circles. He thanks me for being honest, says he will be in touch, gives me a hug, and leaves. I feel sad and like a bad person, but also like I have released a magical creature, a good guy, into the wild. Go, magical teacher, and find a girl who is attracted to you and doesn’t exclusively go for guys who don’t like her as much as their phones!

Tales from the friend zone: Part one

Hi, blog-reading friends! I don’t know when exactly it got popularized as a term, but the friend zone gets talked about a lot, as a location in the world, as a verb “Awwww snap, you got friend-zoned!” Wait.. no one says snap anymore. Don’t mind me… Anyway, the thing about the friend zone is that no one ever talks about the friend zone unless they want to be somewhere else, such as the friends-with-benefits zone, relationship zone, or marriage zone, or some other zone, none of which get talked about in the same way. So to my fellow people out there who have been in the friend zone when you wanted to change zones, here’s a story about my experience in the friend zone.

Now, the whole story is rather long and not really that funny, but there is a really funny part that I want to share with you. I met this guy last summer through a friend. I really liked him, despite many obvious signs that he did not like me. These signs included things like the fact that he would be on his phone or at least touching his phone pretty much the whole time we would be on dates, and the fact that his phone got so much touching and I got no touching, and other various red flags that I normally pick up on. Maybe I should be kinder to those engineers that don’t pick up on social cues because clearly I wasn’t picking up on social cues in this whole situation! Side note: After not hearing from Engineer #2/Road Rage guy that was the subject of my last post for a good three weeks, he texted me this week! So maybe he didn’t realize that I feared for my life the whole time we were driving together and thinks I want more? I do not.

Ok, back to the story. So this guy who mostly acted like he didn’t like me… We had gone on several dates, including one that was really fancy and seemed like he was trying hard, so maybe there was a reason that I thought he liked me, after all. So one day we go out to dinner or happy hour or something and decide to come back to my house and have some wine in my back yard. If I recall correctly, this was not the first time he had been to my house, but as I said, there was no touching, so him being at my house was really just the same as us being anywhere else, it mostly would just involve us talking and him looking at his phone a lot, and drinking. So we both are drinking wine at a pretty fast rate because that’s how he rolls, I have noticed, and for some reason I am trying to keep up with him on this particular night. Which, is a bad plan, as I have mentioned many times, when you do not have a good tolerance.

So we are both fairly drunk, sitting in my back yard. I decide, foolishly, to bring up the “DTR” conversation, which, for those who don’t know, means “Define the Relationship.” Or, sort of. I awkwardly start talking about how we have been hanging out a lot and what would he call this thing that we’re doing? And he hits me with the whole “I don’t know if I want a relationship” spiel that is commonly performed by North American males of the species when they don’t like a girl. But he also keeps saying things about how much he likes hanging out with me, how we have fun together, how he doesn’t want to hurt me,  how he WANTS to want a relationship… I’m pretty sure you either want to have a relationship or you don’t, dude. So whatever, somehow we keep having deep conversations about relationships and all kinds of shit and I basically know in this moment that he is rejecting me, and I am sad, but I am not willing to give up or show that this bothers me. Also, I am drunk at this point, as in I have to stand up carefully to make sure I don’t lose my balance. After we have all these conversations, he asks what we should do now… We both agree that we can’t drive, so the options are to get on the 15 bus (one of the most hilarious and sketchy and wonderful bus routes in the world, definitely my personal favorite in Denver) and go somewhere, walk somewhere near my house, or hang out and watch a movie at my house.

So of course we choose to watch a movie at my house, because this isn’t already weird enough. For most guys, suggesting “watching a movie” is basically a not-at-all subtle way of suggesting a little copping a feel and making out with the option of sex. He also suggests that we get comfy by watching this movie IN MY BED. Actually, it wasn’t a movie, we decided that we should watch episodes of Flight of the Conchords, which we both like and think is super funny. So we go in my room and he takes off everything but his boxers and t-shirt, and says something weird about how it’s “safe” because he’s keeping his boxers on. First of all, your boxers are not a magical force field that will protect me from your penis…. Second of all, I clearly would like to have sex with you, because you know, then you might love me! So I am not too concerned about your magical protective boxers.

This is already the most fucking awkward situation ever… I am wearing a cute dress and feel like maybe he is going to leave me in peace after he’s sober so I just get in bed in my dress, on top of the covers. He is under the covers, and on MY side of the bed. But whatever, we lay there, talking, I am laying my head on his chest, which is the most touching that has happened this whole time. He does not touch me, however. We watch Flight of the Conchords, specifically this clip:

which strikes me as super ridiculous because we are having the exact opposite of “business time,” also known as asexual awkward laying in bed next to someone who just friend zoned you…

So, after maybe 30 minutes worth of watching Flight of the Conchords and not having any business time… He passes the fuck out and starts snoring super loudly, talking in his sleep, flailing around, taking all the covers, pinning me underneath various parts of his body, and gradually expanding to take over essentially the entire bed so that I am left either falling off the edge of the bed or smashed against the wall. I am not a small person and neither is he. During this whole performance, which goes on for several hours, I cannot sleep. I have made a date to have coffee with my parents the next morning, they are passing through town after visiting and staying in the mountains, so I know I will have to be up semi-early so as not to look like I am on a walk of shame when I meet my parents. Although I’m pretty sure it’s not really a walk of shame unless you have sex first…

So, I decide that me sleeping with this whole situation going on is not going to happen. Also, my roommate is over at her boyfriend’s house but I know she will be coming back early to get hiking gear because they are planning on going hiking the next day, so I would prefer not to sleep on the couch to be awkwardly awakened by her and her boyfriend… The logical remaining choice is the futon I have in my basement, useful for guests, or apparently, when your asexual friend zone companion takes over your bed. So I go to sleep, still not super well, on the futon in the basement, but I figure some sleep is better than no sleep. I still wake up randomly early, maybe like 7 or 8pm. Oh well, I figure, time to try and get ready quietly and then find a way to either kick this dude out or leave him in my bed while I go meet up with my parents. He is sure as hell not coming with me… Although, on one of our early dates, he tried to invite himself to visit my parents with me while they were staying in the mountains. What kind of asexual friend zone companion does that?

Lucky for me, I discover that when I go upstairs, he is nowhere to be found. I look outside and his car is not there, either. It was probably weird for him to wake up and not find me there, as it is customary for the person who does not live at the scene of the hook up to leave while someone is sleeping after a one-night-stand… oh wait, this was the opposite of a one-night-stand, so it is probably appropriate that I was the one who was not in my bed when he woke up.

Later on, while I am having coffee with my parents, I get a text that says something like, “I woke up and didn’t know where you were, so I bounced.” Sounds about right.

The rest of this story is basically a sad series of events wherein I tried really hard to get this guy to want to be with me by being nice to him, having sex with him, pretending not to care that he was generally more interested in his phone than what I had to say, and otherwise allowing all sorts of bullshit to happen. I managed to break up with him, although it was never actually a relationship, after several months, and have since found myself being friend zone-r rather than the friend zone-ee… Yup, those are some new terms for you, internets!