Tales from the friend zone: Part one

Hi, blog-reading friends! I don’t know when exactly it got popularized as a term, but the friend zone gets talked about a lot, as a location in the world, as a verb “Awwww snap, you got friend-zoned!” Wait.. no one says snap anymore. Don’t mind me… Anyway, the thing about the friend zone is that no one ever talks about the friend zone unless they want to be somewhere else, such as the friends-with-benefits zone, relationship zone, or marriage zone, or some other zone, none of which get talked about in the same way. So to my fellow people out there who have been in the friend zone when you wanted to change zones, here’s a story about my experience in the friend zone.

Now, the whole story is rather long and not really that funny, but there is a really funny part that I want to share with you. I met this guy last summer through a friend. I really liked him, despite many obvious signs that he did not like me. These signs included things like the fact that he would be on his phone or at least touching his phone pretty much the whole time we would be on dates, and the fact that his phone got so much touching and I got no touching, and other various red flags that I normally pick up on. Maybe I should be kinder to those engineers that don’t pick up on social cues because clearly I wasn’t picking up on social cues in this whole situation! Side note: After not hearing from Engineer #2/Road Rage guy that was the subject of my last post for a good three weeks, he texted me this week! So maybe he didn’t realize that I feared for my life the whole time we were driving together and thinks I want more? I do not.

Ok, back to the story. So this guy who mostly acted like he didn’t like me… We had gone on several dates, including one that was really fancy and seemed like he was trying hard, so maybe there was a reason that I thought he liked me, after all. So one day we go out to dinner or happy hour or something and decide to come back to my house and have some wine in my back yard. If I recall correctly, this was not the first time he had been to my house, but as I said, there was no touching, so him being at my house was really just the same as us being anywhere else, it mostly would just involve us talking and him looking at his phone a lot, and drinking. So we both are drinking wine at a pretty fast rate because that’s how he rolls, I have noticed, and for some reason I am trying to keep up with him on this particular night. Which, is a bad plan, as I have mentioned many times, when you do not have a good tolerance.

So we are both fairly drunk, sitting in my back yard. I decide, foolishly, to bring up the “DTR” conversation, which, for those who don’t know, means “Define the Relationship.” Or, sort of. I awkwardly start talking about how we have been hanging out a lot and what would he call this thing that we’re doing? And he hits me with the whole “I don’t know if I want a relationship” spiel that is commonly performed by North American males of the species when they don’t like a girl. But he also keeps saying things about how much he likes hanging out with me, how we have fun together, how he doesn’t want to hurt me,  how he WANTS to want a relationship… I’m pretty sure you either want to have a relationship or you don’t, dude. So whatever, somehow we keep having deep conversations about relationships and all kinds of shit and I basically know in this moment that he is rejecting me, and I am sad, but I am not willing to give up or show that this bothers me. Also, I am drunk at this point, as in I have to stand up carefully to make sure I don’t lose my balance. After we have all these conversations, he asks what we should do now… We both agree that we can’t drive, so the options are to get on the 15 bus (one of the most hilarious and sketchy and wonderful bus routes in the world, definitely my personal favorite in Denver) and go somewhere, walk somewhere near my house, or hang out and watch a movie at my house.

So of course we choose to watch a movie at my house, because this isn’t already weird enough. For most guys, suggesting “watching a movie” is basically a not-at-all subtle way of suggesting a little copping a feel and making out with the option of sex. He also suggests that we get comfy by watching this movie IN MY BED. Actually, it wasn’t a movie, we decided that we should watch episodes of Flight of the Conchords, which we both like and think is super funny. So we go in my room and he takes off everything but his boxers and t-shirt, and says something weird about how it’s “safe” because he’s keeping his boxers on. First of all, your boxers are not a magical force field that will protect me from your penis…. Second of all, I clearly would like to have sex with you, because you know, then you might love me! So I am not too concerned about your magical protective boxers.

This is already the most fucking awkward situation ever… I am wearing a cute dress and feel like maybe he is going to leave me in peace after he’s sober so I just get in bed in my dress, on top of the covers. He is under the covers, and on MY side of the bed. But whatever, we lay there, talking, I am laying my head on his chest, which is the most touching that has happened this whole time. He does not touch me, however. We watch Flight of the Conchords, specifically this clip:

which strikes me as super ridiculous because we are having the exact opposite of “business time,” also known as asexual awkward laying in bed next to someone who just friend zoned you…

So, after maybe 30 minutes worth of watching Flight of the Conchords and not having any business time… He passes the fuck out and starts snoring super loudly, talking in his sleep, flailing around, taking all the covers, pinning me underneath various parts of his body, and gradually expanding to take over essentially the entire bed so that I am left either falling off the edge of the bed or smashed against the wall. I am not a small person and neither is he. During this whole performance, which goes on for several hours, I cannot sleep. I have made a date to have coffee with my parents the next morning, they are passing through town after visiting and staying in the mountains, so I know I will have to be up semi-early so as not to look like I am on a walk of shame when I meet my parents. Although I’m pretty sure it’s not really a walk of shame unless you have sex first…

So, I decide that me sleeping with this whole situation going on is not going to happen. Also, my roommate is over at her boyfriend’s house but I know she will be coming back early to get hiking gear because they are planning on going hiking the next day, so I would prefer not to sleep on the couch to be awkwardly awakened by her and her boyfriend… The logical remaining choice is the futon I have in my basement, useful for guests, or apparently, when your asexual friend zone companion takes over your bed. So I go to sleep, still not super well, on the futon in the basement, but I figure some sleep is better than no sleep. I still wake up randomly early, maybe like 7 or 8pm. Oh well, I figure, time to try and get ready quietly and then find a way to either kick this dude out or leave him in my bed while I go meet up with my parents. He is sure as hell not coming with me… Although, on one of our early dates, he tried to invite himself to visit my parents with me while they were staying in the mountains. What kind of asexual friend zone companion does that?

Lucky for me, I discover that when I go upstairs, he is nowhere to be found. I look outside and his car is not there, either. It was probably weird for him to wake up and not find me there, as it is customary for the person who does not live at the scene of the hook up to leave while someone is sleeping after a one-night-stand… oh wait, this was the opposite of a one-night-stand, so it is probably appropriate that I was the one who was not in my bed when he woke up.

Later on, while I am having coffee with my parents, I get a text that says something like, “I woke up and didn’t know where you were, so I bounced.” Sounds about right.

The rest of this story is basically a sad series of events wherein I tried really hard to get this guy to want to be with me by being nice to him, having sex with him, pretending not to care that he was generally more interested in his phone than what I had to say, and otherwise allowing all sorts of bullshit to happen. I managed to break up with him, although it was never actually a relationship, after several months, and have since found myself being friend zone-r rather than the friend zone-ee… Yup, those are some new terms for you, internets!


2 thoughts on “Tales from the friend zone: Part one

  1. Well, after reading this it really is hard to pick up on the subtle cues when their doing just enough to make you think their into you. He sounded pretty unique… but you know some guys try to play the whole not interested game on girls to make em want them more… except not all guys are good at it. I don’t know if that was his deal, but if he wasn’t interested in you… he was pretty misleading with the series of dates and going back to your place and all.

    Truthfully the whole phone mess could have been his insincerity at work, but with men that doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you. Some men do that because they want to look cool and important… and your silence could have played a reinforcement to what he thought he was being. Just throwing that out as a scenario. Ultimately you weren’t wrong for legitimately feeling like he was into you… because we all logically believe that if someone is not into you, they wouldn’t make themselves available to you.

    I believe you were probably joking when you made the reference, but just saying from a male’s perspective… it usually never works if you give out sex in exchange for love… in fact it never works. You may keep them around for a while, especially if the sex is good; but you don’t have their heart unless they are in fact, falling in love with you during that sexually motivated relationship. Now if you were just looking for a hook up yourself, and nothing more, than disregard my previous statement. :p

    Seriously, he acted as if he was into you, so you didn’t misread much.

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