Tales from the friend zone: Part two

Here is a story about when I was the asshole and had to put a really nice guy in the friend zone. This all just happened over the past couple months, pretty soon after I “broke up with” my non-boyfriend/friend zone/worst-friend-with-benefits-ever… See previous entry for that.

So yes, after starting (well into 2014, I might add) what a friend of mine and I are calling “No Bullshit 2014!” (said with emphasis), I decided to go on the hunt for a good guy. Where shall I find him? I ask myself… The internets, of course! Actually, I did find a really good guy.

On Okcupid, after sifting through various profiles similar to the ones that my dear friend Undateable discussed, full of bathroom mirror shirtless selfies, incorrect grammar, quotes from Anchorman, etc…. I discover a guy who is my soulmate, if his profile is any indication! He describes himself using correct spelling and grammar, mentions things he is passionate about, refers to an astrological concept known as the Saturn’s return where you have epiphanies and change your life around your 28th to 30th years (something I am interested in and think I have experienced), he’s a teacher, he knows what he wants in life and in a relationship…. Shit, he is amazing! His pictures aren’t great but there are enough that I don’t suspect catfishing and I figure maybe he looks better in person. I have noticed that boys are surprisingly bad at choosing pictures for their dating profiles.

I actually message him, which I rarely do because when I message people, I usually get rejected. When people message me, they usually get rejected. I think people go for people who are too hot for them or something online? I don’t know what it is… but I get a pretty small rate of return on messages I send to dudes. However, homedude does indeed message me back and actually suggests going out. Great, I am not a big fan of endless small talk on dating sites, I find that after a certain point, it usually gets really boring or starts to involve dick pics. I might write a whole other entry on that later…

So yes, this guy not only messages me about meeting in person, but I send him my number and he calls me! Calls me! Not texts! This is truly a miracle of modern dating… In recent years, most dates I have been on have involved facebook chat, texting, or emailing, but pretty much never calling. Except for catfish, they love talking on the phone; see “Gone catfishing” for more on this. But I think most dudes do not have the balls to call a girl, or maybe most dudes that do internet dating do not have the balls to call a girl. They are probably online because they have trouble talking to girls, as evidenced by the content of most of this blog… I have actually had a lot of internet dudes text me endlessly but never actually manage to ask me out. Like, for days, stupid small talk texting with no mention ever of meeting and no actual phone call. Usually I just stop responding after a while and never hear from them again. That always makes me feel very happy that I spent time texting them for three days…. So, needless to say, after an actual phone call, I am very excited about my first date with Mr. Teacher.

We go to the Hornet, always a classic for first dates because they have pretty good food, you can get booze, and it’s generally sort of crowded but not too loud. It’s snowing. Mr. Teacher is not really better looking in person than his pictures, but he’s not ugly per se, just awkward. But nothing terrible. And the date is nice, he has a lot of things to say, he’s smart, direct, honest, we have some things in common, we both like backpacking and hiking, we both like to try new things and think about how to develop and grow as people, and we both have a passion for making a difference with kids. Someone who will finally understand why I care about things! Someone who has social skills! Someone who would want to have adventures with me! Everything about this date is amazeballs but the chemistry. It just seems a little awkward and I am not feeling very attracted to him, which I figure is no big deal, maybe it will happen. We end the date, he walks me out to my car and gives me a hug. He is a normal person… no weird shit has happened yet, hooray! Writing this is making me realize that I am really not asking that much these days in terms of my standards. I pretty much declare things a massive success if there is no major traumatic incident on the first date…

I’m not sure if he liked me but sure enough, he calls me for another date. We have another date, and another, and another. I start to learn other things about him that are great…. He has a dog, he is going to hike the Colorado Trail next summer, he has just decided to go back to school to get his Ph.D., which he is very excited about, he is willing to sing karaoke with me, even though he is horrendously bad at it… We did a duet of “Same Love” at Armida’s and brought the house down, mostly because I am a karaoke professional and because everyone loves that song. But I digress… He has a lot of great friends and is really close with them. I meet his friends along around maybe our 5th or 6th date. They love me. He actually told me that his friends all want me to be their friend even if things don’t work out with us… The more we hang out, the more I realize how perfect this guy should be for me. We start ending the evening by making out after one night, he asked me if he could kiss me. How nice… The only problem is that I still can’t seem to get attracted to him, or “get it up” for him, as the kids say these days. I start to realize that the day of friend-zoning is nigh. I don’t want to be mean to the nicest guy I have met in a while. He starts getting that look in his eyes, you know the one… and I realize I am going to have to either mind-trick myself into being attracted to him or stop leading him on.

He suggests that we “watch a movie” one day and I know that this is the exact opposite of the previous asexual “watching a movie” situation I mentioned in the last entry. I know he wants to awkwardly make out, maybe grope some boobies, you know, the usual. He comes over, we sit on the couch, and we watch Sharknado. If you do not know what this is, do yourself a favor and please watch below:

Basically, this is potentially the most ridiculous and non-romantic movie ever. But it is hilarious. During this movie, he does indeed start making awkward moves with his super cold hands and I just sort of want him to stop touching me. My attempt to mind-trick myself into being attracted to him is clearly failing. It dawns on me that I really do not want him to start making out with me. Ever again. Shit.

Because he is sort of timid and would probably ask me “Can I grab your boob?” instead of just grabbing it, because he is that nice… not much else happens during the movie but awkward cold hand-holding. We laugh a lot because, Sharknado… And then the movie ends and we start talking about stuff, like we always do, and he is talking about relationship stuff, and I just can’t take it any more. I can’t be mean to him in the long run so I have to be mean to him right now.

I clumsily break the news to him that I feel like we don’t have the right chemistry and we should just be friends, in a manner that involves a lot of jibbering about how he is such a good guy and I like him a lot as a person and other sorts of stuff that is true but I suddenly realize is a lot like the shit that no business time friend zone companion guy was saying to me. Now I’m the asshole, dammit! He looks so sad and I just keep talking until I eventually get a hold of myself. I tell him that it’s up to him if he wants to be friends or not, and I really do want to be his friend, but I tell him it’s only if he wants to, and other various things as I continue talking in circles. He thanks me for being honest, says he will be in touch, gives me a hug, and leaves. I feel sad and like a bad person, but also like I have released a magical creature, a good guy, into the wild. Go, magical teacher, and find a girl who is attracted to you and doesn’t exclusively go for guys who don’t like her as much as their phones!


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