Dating the “United States of Bros,” Part two

Now for the much-awaited (by me! I am having so much fun writing about bros!) second installment of my commentary on the wonderful Jezebel piece about the “United States of Bros.” Again, for your reading pleasure:

I didn’t have enough time to write about two of my favorite bro categories yet, so here they are!

Per our friends at Jezebel:

The Masshole

Uniform: Polo shirt, backwards BoSox cap, white Adidas shoes. Shamrock tat. That. Accent.
Habitat: Dive bars. Fenway. Massive L-shaped couch in a white-walled apartment.
Hobbies: Driving like an aggressive dick, throwing around homophobic insults like it’s the early 90’s.
Secret shame: They feel very little shame.
Celeb brospiration: The Wahlberg brothers

This is a rather accurate description of the Masshole. My experience with these bros comes in two forms. First, many of my male relatives are some variant of a Masshole because they grew up in New Hampshire, which is has pretty much been annexed into Masshole territory. I mean, let’s be real, there is nothing cool for a New Hampshire bro to rep, their state only had the Old Man in the Mountain going for it and that fell off, so any self-respecting bro in that region is going to need to stick with the prevailing bro culture of Masshole-dom. My other bro experiences stem from living in Boston for a summer in college. During that summer, I learned that the wealthier Massholes like to throw big parties in empty North End luxury condos that their rich mafia relatives own, and the less well-heeled ones like to throw big parties in their tiny apartments in Back Bay. Both like to throw things out the window during said parties.

How to date the Masshole:

Massholes enjoy underage drinking, like all bros, so my advantage with Masshole bros while I lived in Boston was that I had just turned 21 and could bring booze to their various bro parties. Being good at beer pong is also a good way to impress a Masshole. I honestly would not say I have “dated” a Masshole. I would say that I have hooked up a few times with a Masshole that I met at a bro party that my cousin’s friend threw. I also had to seriously question my life choices when said Masshole went out in public intentionally wearing TWO POPPED COLLARS. Let that sink in. Not one, but TWO popped collars. Also, one of the two golf shirts he was wearing was pink. I was hanging out with him and some of his friends and pretty much just had to make an excuse to leave after about an hour because I could not deal with that level of douche clothing style and not laugh in his face. Pro tip for bros in general (I know many bros across this beautiful country still enjoy popping their collars although the height of that trend is over), wearing two popped collars is a good way to cockblock yourself. There are some levels of bro-dom that ladies can cope with, even enjoy, but that crosses the line. But yes, this bro that I hooked up with in Boston mostly seemed to like me because I was good at listening to the various very smart and funny and awesome things he had to say in his Bawston accent… Massholes enjoy hearing themselves talk and a) being told they are so right about everything or b) having people just smile and nod, implying they are indeed right about everything. At least I never had to drive with any Massholes because we just rode the “T” everywhere.

The Colorado Bro

Uniform: Also known as “The Winter Bro,” the Colorado Bro is dressed for the slopes as often as the weather and his budget permits.
Intoxicant of choice: Bales and bales of pot.
Hobbies: Skiing/snowboarding, smoking bales and bales of pot.
Celeb brospiration: Olympic skier Gus Kenworthy

Of all of the broscriptions I have quoted from the Jezebel article, this one is actually the most lacking. As many people not from here seem to do these days, all mention of Colorado has been reduced to jokes about legal weed. Colorado bros do love weed, but they also love hiking, having dogs, drinking craft beer, and as a dear friend of mine pointed out, wearing button-down shirts and going out in LoDo. The primary habitat of the Colorado bro is either LoDo (maybe at LoDo’s or the Viewhouse bro-ing out, maybe getting drunk in the Rockpile at a Rockies game, tailgaiting for a Broncos game, or maybe trying to impress a lady with a fancy dinner at the Cheescake Factory) or the mountains (skiing, snowboarding, drinking, camping, drinking, smoking weed, hiking, etc.). Another important thing to note is that the Colorado bro is mostly NOT from Colorado. No one here is from here. So much of Colorado bro culture is shaped by the heavy influx of Chicago, Portland, Dallas and Great Plains Bros, as well as a generous sprinkling of East and West Coast bro transplants. Probably the non-native bro species most likely to be found in the wild in Denver are Chicago and Portland Bros, to the point that Colorado bro-ness is actually more defined by these other cities than by Denver itself (we are trying so hard to become Portland but we haven’t fully made it!). We’re going to stick with Denver for now for the purposes of my broscription here because other major metro areas in Colorado are a whole different ballgame.

How to date the Colorado Bro:

Let’s be clear, this whole blog is basically about dating Colorado bros… So apparently, my strategy in dating Colorado bros involves hitting on dudes in bars, lots of online dating, getting asked out in the grocery store, and meeting bros through friends… I think one important strategy for snagging your very own Colorado bro is being really hard core into skiing or snowboarding. This puts me at a huge disadvantage because I do neither of those things. However, I am really into hiking and backpacking, other favorite pastimes of Colorado bros, so at least that helps a little. Another skill that I have that has gotten me play with a specific subset of Colorado bros is speaking Spanish. Colorado is a pretty white state, but there is a fair population, at least in Denver, of what I will call Chicanbros and Mexicanbros… Chicanbros are born here and don’t actually speak Spanish any more than your average white dude but are impressed that you do and it makes them think you are hot and smart but also makes them feel vaguely ashamed that they are a fraud because they don’t speak the language of their ancestors. Mexicanbros either spoke Spanish growing up or are straight up from Mexico and still learning English. Their dream girl is a white girl that speaks Spanish. Other strategies that I have seen my fellow Colorado girls employ successfully to snag Colorado bros include: being really into the Broncos or Rockies, wearing a sundress at Jazz in the Park, going out in LoDo and drinking a lot and grinding on bros, or being a tour guide for a brand-new bro transplant that just moved to Colorado and doesn’t know anyone… The potential of this last strategy cannot be overstated. It works especially well if said bro transplant is also from your home state. You have at least an 80% chance of making that bro want to marry you. Newly-arrived Colorado bros are unsure and in need of stability, like baby horses learning to walk. So providing that stability and having sex with them is a sure-fire strategy to get them to fall in love with you, whether you want them to or not. This strategy can also backfire if your bro never forms social bonds of his own and becomes annoying and clingy. Some advantages of dating Colorado bros include the fact that they tend to be willing to have fun and try new things (as long as it’s not during a Broncos game), they tend to be calm and not prone to anger issues because they are either high on some sort of substance, or on life because they are YOLO (in bro language, I am pretty sure YOLO can indeed qualify as a state of being) and SO EXCITED to live here and not in whatever shitty place they came from. Disadvantages of dating Colorado bros include the fact that they will never love you more than their new snowboard/mountain bike/climbing shoes/bong, and the fact that maturity and emotional intelligence-wise, they have about a 50-50 chance of remaining in the equivalent of a college frat bro phase for their entire lives.

Ah, so many wonderful bros of America! Hope you enjoyed my tips, now go out and get your very own regional bro!


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