Here is a nice recent story for you. It happened last week. To start, maybe I should tell you that of late, I have pretty much stopped trying very hard in dating. And the best way to date when you don’t want to try hard is the wonderful invention called Tinder. Tinder is like a weird game or that website they used to have called hotornot.com, but for sex/dating. Actually, I just looked it up and I guess they still have hotornot.com and it is actually trying to make itself like Tinder with an app and all, and even with their branding. Very interesting. Sad for them, they invented the concept of Tinder but are reaping none of the rewards.
Ok, so first a few interesting sociological notes regarding Tinder. Tinder is a very interesting sample of the dudes of the United States. I never knew how many dudes nationwide catch large fish on boats and consider those pictures to be the very best pictures to showcase in their Tinder profiles. There are a lot of them. Lots of fish. Sometimes I play a game with my friends who are also on TInder called “find the fish” and the first one to find a guy with a picture containing a fish he caught wins.
The other thing I have learned about the men of America from Tinder is that there are some regional Tinder trends. In Denver, mostly every Tinder guy has a picture of himself skiing. In Boston, the most common pictures are at Red Sox games and at the beach. In Chicago, there seem to be a lot of dudes who want to be/are DJ’s because there are surprising amounts of pictures of guys on turntables. But pictures with fish and pictures at someone’s wedding seem to be universally regarded as the most suitable pictures to show the ladies how awesome you are on Tinder. Note to the fellas, the fishing pictures, potential phallic imagery aside, do not actually impress the ladies.
The other thing that I have noticed on Tinder is that it is a place for guys to request immediate sex delivery (sort of like pizza delivery) from women. I often get a new Tinder match that asks me what I am doing RIGHT NOW because he is lonely and horny so I need to come have sex with him within the hour or he will die! What?!?! And then I tell him no, and he un-matches me and disappears into the Tinder pool again. Do women actually take guys up on this? Even if I am going to have a one night stand with a guy, I usually at least want to go have a drink with him first to a) try to assess whether or not he is a murderer and b) at least feel a little bit like I am having sex with a person and not just using a vibrator.
Ok, enough commentary about the wonderful world of Tinder, on to my story. I started talking to a guy on Tinder who actually requested that I meet up with him for a drink, rather than come have sex with him NOW, which was nice. We go have a drink on a weeknight, and he lightly alludes to the fact that he would like to take me home but that he’s ok if I don’t want to do that right then because he likes me and doesn’t want to jeopardize hanging out with me in the future. He likes hanging out with me! He has a job! He has normal social skills and we have things to talk about! It’s all great, really. He is also new to Denver (see previous reference in my entry about the United States of Bros on the benefits of new baby Denver bros), so that’s fun because he is so impressed with all the places I take him and is so excited about how great Denver is and wants to do all these fun things that he has never done before in this town! Hooray, Denver! So we hang out several times, and I decide to let him come over, “just to fool around,” he says. Fine, great, let’s do that.
We commence “watching TV” aka making out and getting partially undressed. It’s good, we have good chemistry, I am enjoying myself and it seems he is, too. We start undressing a little more and he starts, as one of my dear friends so eloquently calls it, “fingerbanging” me. So I decide to return the favor and see about a hand job for him. Here is where the trouble starts. There is nothing going on in his pants. It is the opposite of a pants party. I try really hard to get him hard (haha, I’m funny) but nothing is happening. I also continually resist the urge to say, “Come on, little guy!” which keeps popping into my head and I know is definitely the wrong thing to say in this situation. He keeps apologizing and telling me it’s not because he’s not turned on, he thinks it’s because he’s been working out a lot lately, or watching too much porn. I don’t know how much porn it takes to make you have weiner issues with real women, but I have heard that that’s a thing.
I keep telling him it’s ok and not to worry about it. I feel bad for the little guy (both of them, really), so I decide I will be extra nice and try to give him a blow job. It starts helping a little bit, and I feel a little encouraged but I have to take a break. I go back to trying to give him a handy, and very suddenly we have the opposite problem, namely, a lot of jizz in my hand. At least it wasn’t on my face. I awkwardly go wash my hands and by the time I get back into the room, he is dressed and ready to leave. He says he’s going to go, and that was embarrassing, and keeps apologizing. I genuinely don’t think it’s a big deal and do indeed like this dude as a person, not just a weiner, so I tell him that we should still go hiking the following weekend (this happened on a Wednesday, that’s probably why we had this problem, Wednesday is not an especially sexy day, despite being sometimes called Hump Day. I’ve never found it to be a particularly great day for humping). He says ok, let’s go hiking, I’ll call you later, etc. But, my male friends tell me this is the sort of thing there’s no coming back from. And he definitely didn’t come back. He did not respond to any of my attempts to contact him about going hiking and I saw that he was on Tinder at the very time I was texting him. Looking for the next girl to have weiner problems with. Good luck with that, my friend. Better take a break from your constant porn watching.