Cougar Town

Denver is a small town. I see dudes I used to date out and about surprisingly frequently. Apparently, this happens to other people a lot, too. I was inspired to write this post because I was recently with a friend who ran into an ex that she hadn’t seen for several years at a bar in our neighborhood and I successfully helped her remain incognito. When I run into exes, depending on the breakup situation, I usually go for one of the following options. Option 1 – Leave whatever establishment I am in upon sighting the ex. While exiting, I try to hide my face/hide behind the person I’m with. I’m 6’2″ so this isn’t always possible. Option 2 – Look around the bar/concert/restaurant periodically to assess whether or not the ex sees me, but never look in his direction long enough to make eye contact. This one is usually a good strategy at concerts because there are so many people, how are they to know if I really see them or not! Clearly I am too cool and having too much fun to actually recognize or acknowledge them. You can also do this while in a restaurant by appearing super engaged in conversation with your dining companions whenever you think said ex might be looking at you. Option 3 – Engage with the ex if the circumstances are right. When are the circumstances right? For me, if I feel like I look particularly good that day, the circumstances are right. If I am on a date with someone who is the same hotness level or hotter than said ex, I will definitely talk to the ex. Briefly, of course, and introduce him to my equally-hot-as or hotter-than-him date. Option 4 – Cause a scene and get close to blows with an ex at my friend’s wedding because we are both drunk. Perhaps I will tell that story in a later post.

Anyway, I have seen this particular ex about three times since we stopped dating, if you can really call it dating. First of all, I met this dude at his place of employment, probably about 3 or 4 years ago, where he was a bartender. It was an upscale Denver sushi establishment that will remain nameless to protect the innocent. We were talking because my friends were about 15 minutes late to meet me, and he seemed nice and was cute, so I gave him my number. My friends were making fun of me by singing Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe,” in reference to this incident. So according to Wikipedia, this must have happened in 2011-2012 because that was when that song was a single. I didn’t think he was actually going to call me maybe because it took him about 2 weeks to text me.

But then he texted me, and we went on a date. It was an ok date, he seemed really into the fact that I could speak Spanish and liked Spanish music, particularly Ricardo Arjona, apparently Ricardo Arjona is his favorite singer ever. In my bro typology I outlined in previous posts, this bro was definitely a Mexicanbro. He was literally from Mexico and had only been living in the states since high school. Speaking of high school, for him high school was still a recent memory because he was 22. Ugh, I need to ask the age of dudes before I ask them out, I thought to myself. At the time I was about 28 or 29, so that might not seem like much of an age difference, but this is a dude we are talking about. So I figured that his age explained the fact that he would only communicate with my by text (remember, 2-3 years ago, people did sometimes still make phone calls, so only texting was actually a bit unusual).

Anyway, most of this story is sort of boring, this kid worked all the time and was going to school so he was always just trying to get me to come hang out with him at the bar at his work. So I spent time hanging out there and having him make me drinks, but the main funny thing that happened with him was this. I love karaoke, and the place he worked at had a karaoke night. So I decided to bring some friends and he told me he would be able to hang out with us for part of the time because his shift was ending before the bar closed. They even had a karaoke contest, so I brought my A game and so did my friends. I decided to sing a song in Spanish for him because he would like it, so I did my best rendition of Selena’s “Como la Flor.” If you don’t know this one, give it a listen and imagine a tall white girl singing it, channeling Selena with dramatic hand motions and facial expressions. That’s what was happening.

He decided to do his own dedication to me by singing Ricardo Arjona’s “Senora de las Cuatro Decadas.” Which roughly translates to “40-Year-Old Woman.” And it’s basically a song about Ricardo Arjona being in love with a 40-year-old cougar and how much he wants to have sex with her even though she looks old. It’s a really weird song that is vaguely offensive while trying to be complimentary. I actually just watched the video and I highly recommend it, it involves Ricardo Arjona breaking into an operating room to stop his cougar lover from getting plastic surgery and then taking her on a boat? It’s really old school and awesome:

And pretty much no one else in the joint knew Spanish, but the whole thing made me feel really weird, even though he claimed that he wasn’t trying to call me old, or proposition me for sex via karaoke (we hadn’t slept together at this point) but he just liked that song and thought I would like it too because I like Ricardo Arjona. So then I really felt like a cougar, and my friends, who were already skeptical about me dating this young baby, tried to act like they thought the whole thing was sweet and not weird or creepy.

Also, that night, there was plenty going on because the karaoke competition was intense between one of my friends, who is a trained classical vocalist, and some dude who was just a regular at the bar. Clearly politics were in play because they kept claiming it was a tie between this bro dude and my friend, when it was obvious that any impartial judge would have awarded my friend the $20 bar tab that was at stake. They eventually even did a dance off, which featured my friend doing the worm. Come on, if you are committed enough to do the worm on the floor of a bar, you are clearly in it to win it! But they eventually ruled it a tie and awarded the grand prize to both my friend and this other bro. Dumb, but at least my friend got a few free drinks out of the deal.

We hung out a few more times after that, but young baby Mexican dude was always really slow to communicate and hard to make plans with and it just got old after a while so I tried to call him to break up with him. But he wouldn’t ever answer actual phone calls so I left him a breakup voicemail, and followed it up with a text for good measure. He never was going to get to have sex with that 40-year-old (actually 29-year-old) cougar…

So after all that, a friend of mine decides to have birthday dinner at said sushi place where Ricardo Arjona fan dude worked. I go, because I am a good friend. Of course, he is there. I go for the strategy of saying hi and a few very brief pleasantries because it’s my friend’s birthday, so I look nice. Then I see him again, not once, but twice, at his new place of employment, another restaurant down the street from the place he used to work. Those times I went with the “avoid eye contact” strategy of ex-spotting techniques.

Have fun out there, people, and pay attention to my patented strategies to use when you run into an ex in our lovely town of Denver. Because you will.