I am taking a pizza break. What is a pizza break, you ask? Allow me to explain.
Earlier this year, a friend recommended a book to me called “The Mastery of Love,” by Don Miguel Ruiz. You should read it if you want some knowledge bombs dropped on you about love and relationships. The main thing I learned from this book is to call dudes “pizzas.”
There is a great metaphor for love that Don Miguel Ruiz lays out in the book, which I will attempt to poorly summarize now. If you know me in real life, you can skip this part because I have surely already explained this in person. Seriously, I have probably told this shit to everyone I have talked to in the last 4 months or whenever I read this book because it is amazeballs and I am using it to explain all the problems in my love life! Clearly, after reading my blog, whether you know me or not, you have probably started to identify the problems in my love life yourself. But the point is, it was a great book and an useful metaphor and I don’t own any of it, so don’t sue me, Mr. Ruiz!
Ok, so the concept is this. Everyone in the world has their own magical kitchen (no, this does not mean a vagina or wiener, you pervs) and in their magical kitchen they can make any kind of food they want, and it is always the best, most delicious food and the kitchen never runs out of ingredients. They can eat the food they make themselves, give it to other people, etc. And that is like love. We can have all different kinds of love, love for ourselves, love for other people, and it never does run out. We always have capacity for love.
But in the world, lots of times people forget they have a magical kitchen and they don’t use it. They start going hungry and looking for food (love) somewhere else because they forgot how to make their own. Then, one day, a starving person answers the door and there is some dude or lady standing there with a pizza. “You can have this pizza every day for the rest of your life,” they say, “but you have to do what I say.” And that’s like a relationship. The hungry person figures that they better settle for this pizza because they are super hungry and can’t guarantee any other food will be available.
The actual point of this is that we all need to remember how to use our magical kitchens and love ourselves and each other but not rely on anyone to make us fulfilled and whole people. And then we can find a person we like to kick it with, but they don’t have to feed us because we know how to make our own food.
After reading this, I thought about the concepts for my life, blah blah blah, but, as I mentioned, the biggest way I have put this self-help book into action is by calling dudes pizzas. Because clearly that was the point of the book. Nonetheless, it’s a fun metaphor… You can have frozen pizza, gourmet pizza, hot-n-ready pizza, cheap pizza, meaty pizza, pizza by the slice, cheesy pizza, sausage pizza, drunk pizza, greasy pizza…. Once I was talking to a friend’s former pizza (he was still her pizza at the time, and we had explained this whole metaphor situation to him) and he said “we pizzas don’t choose to be covered with meat and cheese” or something profound about how my friend was treating him like a pizza when he wanted to be a magical kitchen (or magical kitchen owner, or whatever). “That’s deep,” I said. “I’m a deep dish pizza,” he replied. Best metaphor ever!
Also, because I like ridiculous videos, enjoy this video of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen singing a song about pizza in slow motion:
So, I am taking a pizza break. Or a manbbatical, as a good friend of mine who also used to have a dating blog until she found the love of her life and shit, calls it. She met him after her own manbbattical, so it will most definitely work for me too, obvi! I think I am going to try to bring back obvi… it was the only one of those late 90’s/early 2000’s word-shortenings that I really liked.
Anyway, I think I have been having too much pizza lately and not making enough stuff in my magical kitchen. Or I am just disillusioned and think it’s all bros and pizzas and douches… Either way, I realized recently that I have been attempting to find my soulmate like it’s a thing that just happens if you keep trying. And I have been on a mission to find him, by online dating, picking up dudes at bars, doing those speed dating things, Tindering, getting set up on dates, etc. with pretty much no break, for about 6 years. After all, my philosophy is, don’t stop trying, because trying hard is the way to make someone love you! Right, great plan. All of this has basically just led to a parade of dudes to be awkward around when I run into them around Denver (see previous post). Think of how much delicious food I could have been making if I wasn’t letting all these pizzas in my house!
I’m excited about my pizza break, just in time for the holidays. Some people think the holidays are depressing without a partner. I think it just eliminates the need to have to deal with someone else’s family in addition to your own.
One last note, dear readers: Don’t worry about a shortage of ridiculous stories due to my pizza break. I still have a surprising number of ridiculous stories I haven’t even started telling, some I even forgot about until just recently. I made a list so I would remember them. That seems sad that a list is necessary. I also realized recently that I don’t remember many of the dudes featured in this blog by their real names… Only by names I have given them such as Volleyball Tattoo Guy or Vegas Guy. That also seems sad that I have turned these people into caricatures because I am cynical or something… Hence the pizza break!
And if I find my soulmate, I’m sure hilarious things will still happen that I can write about. Although when I first meet him, I may not tell him about this blog. Because my dude friends have told me to not tell guys I date that I have a blog because then I will be like Taylor Swift and no one will go out with me because I will write a song/blog about them. Haters gonna hate hate hate…