The Shroom Story

Hi friends, I have been told that now that people other than my friends actually read my blog, I should post more regularly, you know, for the maintaining of the fame. Due to my extreme lack of motivation for dating at the moment, which may or may not have something to do with the fact that it is hot as balls out, I don’t have any super new stories to share – yet. But I have started contemplating going on Tinder dates with dudes who seem particularly ridiculous just so I have good stories, which is probably bad, but perhaps good for all of you…

Anyway, a friend of mine from high school who was the catalyst for the story I am about to recount was recently visiting me. I realized that this story, while mostly not hilarious due to the actions of any dudes, does involve a dude. So here it is, for your reading pleasure, the famous Shroom Story, as it is called in my real-life social circles.

I had an internship in Boston the summer after my junior year of college. My cousin and a friend of mine from high school, who we will give the fake name Maya, went to school there. Maya is a genius, and went to MIT where she lived in a dorm that was more like a frat house than a dorm. Supposedly they invented PCP in the basement back in the day. These were the types of geniuses who get bored and have to do drugs to entertain their brains, and apparently also invent new drugs.

So that was the scene. It was a Friday night. Maya had actually just graduated from MIT that day and I walked over to her dorm from my internship on the other side of Boston to go celebrate, they were having a party. Maya and I hung out for a while and shot the shit, and before I knew it, it was about 9pm. I was crazy hungry at this point and Maya needed to go help set a few things up for the party. She told me she had a ton of leftover Chinese food from dinner last night with her parents in her mini-fridge and I would be doing her a favor to eat as much of the food in there as possible because she was going on a little road trip the next day. Awesome! So Maya heads up to the rooftop of her dorm to set things up for the party and I start stuffing my face with food. Imagine some sort of meme or gif that involves the phrase “nom nom nom” and that was basically what I was doing. As I eat my way through her fridge, I discover a plastic bag with several chocolates in it. Some of them are those mini-size Hershey bars, Mr. Goodbars, etc. and one of the chocolates in there is in a pink foil wrapper. I shove the foil wrapped chocolate in my face and down my gullet. It tastes a little weird so I conclude it must be old and eat a mini Hershey bar and a little more Chinese food for good measure. Then I head up to the roof for party time!

I don’t know anyone at MIT, and have literally just moved to Boston that week, so this is my chance to meet new people in my temporary new town. I mix myself a drink and start talking to random people I don’t know. I don’t even know where Maya is at this point, but a friendly couple with many tattoos between them start talking to me about fun things to do in Boston after hearing I’m new in town. As I am having this conversation, which I am enjoying, I get distracted by the fact that things look sort of wavy when I try to look my new possible friends in the eye and I can’t focus on their faces. Maybe I started drinking too soon after eating or something and I am dizzy from that, I think. I see Maya at this point and ask her if I could go lay down for a few minutes in her room. Of course, she tells me this is no problem because she’s probably going to sleep in her boyfriend’s room anyway so I can sleep in her bed if I want.

I go downstairs to lay down and discover that the fan on Maya’s massive multi-monitor computer apparatus is SO LOUD and it’s IN MY BRAIN, so I decide to go back up to the rooftop to ask her if she can unplug it or turn it down or something so I can rest. I don’t want to mess up her fancy computer situation, you see. One thing I have neglected to mention that becomes relevant at this point is that I was recovering from knee surgery the week before I moved to Boston and my knee was bandaged and not fully functional. Because of my knee/the amount of walking I had done that day, I decided my shoes were uncomfortable and I didn’t want to put them back on, so upon coming out of the elevator on the rooftop, I am barefoot. Maya strongly suggests I put on some shoes because there’s broken glass and things on the rooftop and I tell her I will if I come back up. She somehow does not think my request about her computer and the noise is too weird, comes down with me to shut it down, and goes back upstairs.

I lay down in her bed again and discover that this time, in the absence of the SUPER LOUD computer, I have a new problem that won’t let me relax. Every time my heart beats, I feel like instead of blood, it’s pushing tiny chains through my veins. I have chains in my veins! I conclude that I am either having a psychotic break, or I am on drugs. Knowing that I’m in the place where PCP was supposedly invented and I ate a weird-looking chocolate, I start to think it might be the latter.

Still barefoot, I decide to make the journey upstairs to the rooftop again to consult Maya about this situation. However, the second time, the route has somehow become much more confusing. I go up the wrong elevator and it does not take me to the rooftop. It takes me to a deserted area of the dorm where, I shit you not, there were murals of shrooms smoking joints on the wall. I have confirmed afterwards that this is true in real life, not just in drug life as I was experiencing it at the time. The shrooms were definitely looking at me either quizzically, or with disdain, I’m not sure which.

Eventually I make it up to the rooftop. “Why are you still not wearing shoes?!” is the first thing Maya has to say when she sees me. “Maya, will you come in the elevator,” I ask. She comes into the elevator. When the door closes, I literally say to her, “Maya, were there any crazy drugs in your fridge?” Not just drugs, crazy drugs! She asks if I ate something wrapped in pink foil. Yes, I did. “Damn, you just ate a lot of shrooms! I was going to try to get you to do those with me for 4th of July to watch the fireworks… That was like $50 worth of drugs!” she replies. She tells me that attempting to go to sleep is futile, so now that we’ve identified the issue, I might as well enjoy it.

I am up for this, but I have two primary concerns. 1) My knees, and my entire body feel straight up numb, or almost like pins and needles. This causes me to worry that I will damage my already fucked-up knee because I can’t feel anything, which in turn causes me to choose to do only seated or slow walking activities while on shrooms. 2) I am very worried that I will be discovered as a fraud because in my own opinion, I am not cool enough to do drugs on purpose, and I clearly did these drugs by accident! All the people here are cool enough to do drugs on purpose but I am a goody two shoes who only drinks and they are going to KNOW when they look at me! I share this concern with Maya and she says just to go up to people and say you’re tripping and they will help you enjoy yourself by doing things like smoking so you can watch the smoke, or wave their hands around, or give you a glow stick. People did do that sort of thing for me, but she was the one who had to tell them I was tripping. They also played me some sweet music that I could slowly bop around to.

Maya and a group of her friends are sitting around talking, smoking, etc. and one of them pushes a small table with wheels on it against the outer wall of the little area I was in. “Whoa, did you guys see that?” I ask everyone. “That table just kept going through the wall and out into space forever! Like cartoon space!” No one else saw that, but also no one made fun of me for accidentally eating mushrooms.

In this group was a guy who we will call Oswaldo, sometimes known as “Crazy Oswaldo” by people in the dorm. This is a messed up nickname because he actually has schizophrenia and is a genius but clearly struggled with life because of having schizophrenia and using weed to medicate it instead of the medications he should have been taking. Anyway, at some point, everyone else leaves and Oswaldo takes advantage of the opportunity to tell me that he thinks I’m really cool and beautiful but he realizes that this is probably a hard thing for me to think about right now because I’m tripping. Yes it is, Oswaldo, your face is getting bigger and smaller in waves while you are telling me this!

This weirds me out a bit, but Oswaldo is very nice, a lot shorter and smaller than me, and everyone else wants to go to bed because it’s 3am at this point. Oswaldo tells me he doesn’t sleep, he just stays awake most nights, smoking weed. I watch the smoke from his joint, it looks beautiful and like it’s in stop-motion. We hang out for a while and he suggests we go outside to watch the sunrise on the Charles River. That was probably the most beautiful sunrise I’ve ever seen.

He also suggests we go get breakfast. At this point I am tripping a little less and starting to feel tired and hungry, so I am in for this idea but also starting to realize that I need to somehow get back to the bedroom in an apartment I am subletting from a girl who I don’t really know, with two roommates I don’t really know. I know the cross streets and address, but don’t feel confident in my ability to successfully get back there while on drugs, on the subway, in a town I have only lived in for a week. Oswaldo says he knows a breakfast place over that way that has delicious Challah bread French toast. Sounds great. However, we discover that this place is not open. So we go to Dunkin Donuts, because those are open 24 hours and there is one pretty much every 2 blocks in Boston. And then Oswaldo walks me to my apartment. And I don’t invite him in, because I need to go to bed and am concerned that one of my new roommates who I don’t really know is going to see us and know about the crazy drugs! Luckily, no one appears to be home so I go to sleep. And then my brain hurts for a day and a half. The end. I hope you enjoyed the magical “Shroom Story,” perhaps the greatest and dumbest story of all.

Just for the fellas: A treatise on penis photography

Hello, everyone. I hope you have all been enjoying your holiday season. And of course, no holiday is complete without some reference to dick pics… Right? Surely that’s a thing in this day and age.

Anyway, I have recently been hearing a lot about the strange phenomenon of the North American male dick pic. Men seem really into sending ladies pictures of their penises. And no offense, guys, but women don’t really want to see that. Penises are not beautiful and we are not really that into looking at them. At best, you see a dick pic and think, yup, there’s a dick. At worst, it is burned into your eyes forever.

For example, a friend of mine once got an unsolicited dick pic (is there any other kind? more on that later…) that was super weird-looking, like, it had weird coloring, probably due to some medical issue… but anyway, she got it and thought it was so hilarious that she saved it on her phone and showed it to a bunch of us at a party. And it was one of those ones that gets burned into your eyes forever. In retrospect, I’m not sure why I looked at it. Maybe dick pics are also reminiscent of car crashes. You know you don’t really want to see it, but you can’t seem to help yourself from looking anyway. But, the point is, dudes, this is what will happen when you send women dick pics without their consent; random girls and guys you don’t know will laugh at your dick at parties, or over happy hour. My friend (the recipient of the multicolored dick) was even saying she wanted to make a website dedicated to making fun of unsolicited dick pics. There probably already is one, but a) I don’t actually want to see that shit and b) I am using my parents’ computer and don’t really want that in their search history. Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad!

But I digress. The point is, don’t send random girls you haven’t met pictures of your wiener! I have also received a few of these beauties myself, many via Okcupid’s chat system. Thanks for that, nerds of Okcupid who invented that feature, a word of warning that you can send pictures over that thing would have been nice. Actually, the people who programmed the Ockupid chat function to enable photo-sending are probably guys, and probably thought about their fellow surprise dick-picking brethren when they made that more than they thought about the women who would log on to a multitude of windows popping up with dicks and messages starting with “sup?” And that is why I’m not on that site anymore. I ditched that one long before my latest pizza break.

So, again, where was I? Yes, my central thesis about when to send dick pics. There are two times when this seems to be advisable.

Acceptable Dick Pic Scenario 1:

I have heard that women do exist who will request dick pics from their partner when they are in a relationship. Something along the lines of, “Honey, I’m out of town for work and I miss you! Most specifically, I miss your penis! Will you send me a picture of Pookie so I can see that he misses me, too?” In this case, I would guess that said penis probably also has a nickname (maybe not Pookie). If it was me, I would probably just want to talk on the phone or attempt to have phone sex or sexy time Skype. But, to each their own. In conclusion, if asked, by all means give your ladyfriend the photos she desires! Then you won’t be having strangers laugh at your manhood until after you break up (or until you run for office)!

Acceptable Dick Pic Scenario 2:

You are gay and sending your member picture to another dude. Again, still recommended that you ask first, but my very informal and skewed-sample study of gay men who are also friends with me leads me to believe that in many cases, this is acceptable. Especially if you meet on Grindr.

If you do not find yourself in either of these situations, it is best to refrain from dick-picking. And by all means, do not use a photo of your dick as a get-to-know you icebreaker! If I don’t know you, there is no way that is the first part of you that I want to meet. That’s the equivalent of a dude in a trenchcoat whipping it out and then running away in the sketchy stairs of the library of my college campus. Believe it or not, this was an issue when I was in school at a certain liberal arts college in the South that will remain anonymous to protect the “indecent exposure guy.” That’s literally what they called him in the school newspaper.

I know, it’s tempting. I know that you think somehow this will prompt your victim to send you back some boob shots or full nudes. I know of exactly zero instances in which that has happened. I get the feeling that you don’t mind this, men of the early-weiner-shot-sending persuasion, having your dicks running around the internet everywhere. You are either just playing the (very low) odds that someone will respond favorably or like the feeling of showing off your mini-me that you are obviously very proud of, to innocent bystanders.

So lastly, if you are not willing to heed my advice and insist on sending wiener photos to women you don’t know well, at least follow these tips to make it less likely that your penis will be the running joke of her next girls’ night out.

1) Refrain from using objects for scale.  Your dick next to a pencil, cucumber, other phallic piece of produce, etc. does not lead us to marvel at it’s size, it just makes us laugh at you.

2) Don’t have outfits, piercings, tattoos, or drawings on or near your penis. And don’t wear underwear. A dick pic while wearing underwear isn’t even a dick pic, it’s just dumb. Also, Anthony Weiner, much?

3) Don’t include any text in conjunction with your picture. Also, no emoticons. I once knew someone who got a poorly-lit dick pic with the caption “U want this” …she most definitely did not. Relatedly, although the “moments” feature on Tinder (one of the dumbest features on Tinder, in my opinion, it’s basically a snapchat of a picture that immediately disappears, but all of your matches can see it) invites you to add text to any photo you put on there, do not take this as license to add text to your latest dick selfie. Also, don’t use the moments feature on Tinder to give your Tinder matches moments of your dick in the first place!

Which brings me to my last tip….

4) Put your best dick forward. Pay attention to lighting. Most dicks look best in soft, indirect light, but not with weird shadows… Never involve a mirror. Pay attention to your environment, as in, keep your pile of laundry, pit bull, stack of video games, Ninja Turtle sheets, etc. out of the photo.

The last thing that all of this makes me think of is one of my holiday favorites. Giving someone a dick in a box is pretty much the same thing as sending them a dick pic. Which, as Justin Timberlake can attest, makes a great gift for any occasion. To re-iterate my main point here, please note that the gentlemen in this video were presumably dating the recipients of their dicks in boxes.

Dick in a Box

I think that’s about all I’ve got for you today, dear readers. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!